My Dog Was Asked Not to Come Back to Daycare

Sep 19

How Lukas' anxiety is actually a mirror of my own.

Our doggie daycare told us that Lukas shouldn’t come back because they consider him an “anxious dog.” His nervous behaviors include:

1) Destroying any crate he’s put in. (which, btw, is why I send him to daycare so he won’t be crated at home during those rare days I can’t take him with me.)

2) Being vigilant about staying around those who make him happy (i.e. he prefers to be included vs. left alone aka separation anxiety)

3) Much preferring quiet time over rough-play and has no problem protecting his boundaries. (And his enforcements of those boundaries are loud, snarly and quick which can be jarring - even though he has never bitten any dog or human.)

When this “verdict,” “judgement,” “diagnosis” was relayed to me by the owner of the daycare I was so ticked! And then I quickly morphed into being defensive (as clearly evidenced by my word choices!).

I then moved on to being scared, believing that I had done something wrong with my dog. That left me feeling exposed to thinking that I am a terrible dog mom/trainer (my negative belief of not worthy now kicking into high-gear) which spiraled me into imagining that I wouldn’t be welcome anywhere, forever ostracized from all the things. I began to berate myself for letting this happen and my negative belief gleefully joined in the conversation I was having with myself.

Me: People just don’t understand him. Why do they have to put him in a crate? We all know he hates them.

Negative Belief: Right? You are so not worthy of having a dog. Look, you’ve tried to train him to be like the others and it hasn’t worked. You aren’t really good at this, for sure.

Me: I even talk to Lukas about this all the time, asking him why he isn’t like other dogs and it seems to only make his anxiety worse even though he tells me not to worry about it.

Negative Belief: You just need to worry more. I find that worrying about something fuels a solution! Seriously, you can’t talk to him - you’re not even worthy of animal communication.

Me: I wish I didn’t have to deal with all of the “rules” and “expectations” of how dogs should be in this world. I wish we could just let them be an integrated part of our lives. Even see them for the individuals they are and allow them to be.

Lukas butts-in like a power outage shutting down this absurd Netflix movie: So what does that tell you about yourself?

Negative Belief: Clearly, how Julie thinks about dogs just doesn’t fit with society’s view. It’ll be easier to give up on her ideals and work harder to get you in shape.

Lukas: I’m only talking to Julie, not you.

Me: I get anxious when I realize I’m not doing what others expect of me. Like following the expectations others share with me about how you should behave.

Lukas: Go on…

Me: I’m exhausted. And angry. I think you are fine just as you are. I know you don’t like crates, or being left alone. And you are super good at sharing where your boundaries are. I never feel like you do so in a bad way that hurts people. You just don’t like dogs jumping all over your face. I get that. I just wish people would accept you for you and meet you there.

Lukas: and….?

Me: I wish the same for me.

Lukas: And when that doesn’t happen, how do you feel?

Me - glancing at my Negative Belief: I feel bad that I’m not able to overcome, not able to power-through, that I won’t ever be accepted as me.

Lukas: And where is your light in all of that?

Me: Snuffed.

Lukas: Right. And how is your negative belief friend helping you?

Negative Belief/Not-Worthy crosses their arms across their chest and huffs.

Me: They’re not. I feel stuck in those thoughts. I mean, who cares if we enjoy being at home most of the time. Who cares if we recharge by being quiet. Who cares if we don’t want to be the life of the party - or even go to the party? I’d rather take a walk with you, have you sleep next to me while I write/work all day. Which, btw, you do sleep A LOT more than I thought you actually wanted.

Lukas: I know - you should try it yourself a little more often.

Me: I rather like myself when we’re doing our thing. And I feel so much happier when we can be together.

Lukas: So how about we let go of how we’re suppose to be and just be us.

Negative Belief puffs themself back up: But we’ll need to travel, go out to eat and go where dog aren’t allowed!

Lukas - looking right at me: We have friends, family, neighbors who adore me and love a little Lukas-time. Plus, when the weather is cool, I’m happy chilling in the backseat of the car. And don’t forget those cool restaurants we’ve found that are dog-friendly. What if we just explore all the options that we come across, now that we’re honest about who we are and what we want?

Me: That sounds much better than being anxious about you at daycare.